The Process of Becoming Big...and Blah

I love how people are so discreet in Hollywood. Insecure, nervous and mistrusting...sigh, what have I gotten myself into.

They won't talk to you but won't openly not talk to you so that one day, when they need you or you are head of them, they can say, I never didn't talk to you...

I love how when we become busier and busier in life, we don't want to know how to meet people anymore, we slowly retract into the few minutes we have to be with ourselves, our close ones and this is interpretted as arrogance.

You see the world unfolding infront of you and you can predict how things you did not understand while growing up, what you fought against while growing up, are so naturally opening up infront of you, so natural, that you can foresee it and it is scary, because you are on the other side. You don't want to admit it but you agree with them. Age, experience has taught you not to fight so vehemently but accept and maybe even agree to them.

I love how when mama says "he is a big man, he will not give us time", I have sat and been with these people in other societies where there aren't status differentiating lines, I have had more of a privilege to talk to them as peers, these people closer to my mother in age. How dare they not see what a rare, exemplified human she is? I hate how sometimes I know feel that I am respected more in circles than my mom...because people don't know her. She is always the one I used to be introduced through...now it is the reverse.

I don't like how nature is reversing everything. I still want mama to have all the answers, I still want to always look up to my parents to be the providers, not in material sense but in social and political sense. I cannot be the one ahead.

I have started feeling this tendency to hold my mother's hand and help her up and down the stairs. To serve food to both my aging parents in trays, pour cold water in their glasses, remind them of their medicines. I hate that they are not agile anymore. I hate it, or maybe I am just scared...I cannot lose them, they are my definition...they are my identity. I cannot be in the forefront defining myself...myself.